Running Backwards!

It was the first home game of the season last Saturday for Everton, and only the second for our new manager, Roberto Martinez. We were playing West Brom, and it was not the most exciting of games, ending in a 0-0 draw. We will have to do a lot better if we are to achieve anything this season. But it's early days, as Martinez brings his own style to our team. One perceptive fellow-Evertonian said, 'I can see what Martinez is trying to do - but not sure we have the right players to do it!'  Time will tell whether they can adjust.

During one particularly uneventful period of play, I was captivated by the referee. (That shows how dull the game was!) I am not exaggerating, from a throw-in, he ran half the width of the pitch backwards! Once I'd noticed this, I became aware that referees often run backwards. I suppose that is part of their training: keeping their eye on the play, while getting to where the ball is likely to be kicked or thrown. It's quite an art actually: don't try this at home, but I bet you couldn't run far backwards without falling over!

I remembered this as I began to read a book I have recently been recommended: Relationships - A Mess Worth Making by Timothy S. Lane and Paul David Tripp. As the title suggests, it addresses an issue which I guess brings us the greatest joy and the bitterest struggle. Most of us, the writers suggest, live somewhere between two extremes as far as relationships are concerned: on a continuum between Isolation (the safe option) and Immersion (total dependence). Neither are healthy for human wellbeing. The first precludes healthy relationship altogether; the second inevitably leads to disappointment and dashed expectations. Somewhere along the line there has to be struggle, engagement, risk, hopes and values honestly shared. The writers say, 'The highest joys of relationship grow in the soil of the deepest struggles.' But they are worth it!

Unfortunately, the tendency is to 'run backwards' from relationships. This is not the same as running away, turning one's back on the other person. It is more keeping one's distance, not getting involved, avoiding conflict or difference - and therefore not investing in that person's life. Inevitably, that means we will not receive from them either. The Church is full of people running backwards! And so is our culture.

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks has just retired as Chief Rabbi. In an interview on Sunday, he said that society is 'losing the plot', as illustrated by the collapse of various institutions, most notably the banks, and including marriage. At the heart of the problem is the loss of trust between people and institutions. The reason is that secular society is highly individualised (people running backwards?), fearful of commitment, which of course is one reason why marriage has become less popular.

Put positively, I often say at weddings that the newly-married couple are an inspiration! They believe there is a future, and that the future is held in trust to one another. The best thing about marriage is that one person promises another that they will give themself to the other for the rest of their life. The fact that this promise is mutual is the basis of trust in that relationship.

As in marriage, so in other relationships: they are healthiest when we move towards each other, and even embrace each other, rather than observe from a distance, preserving our own space, doing our own thing.